I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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