it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
