Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
