im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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