The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
