I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
