Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
