I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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