I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
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I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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