I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
