Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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