i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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