the condom got lost in my hair
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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