If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i think i just lost a toe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
