I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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