I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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