We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
