if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He passed out mid-signature
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it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
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I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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