guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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