Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
