Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
