Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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