Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
