at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
