Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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