Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
