Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
