Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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