Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
