Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
