Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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