He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
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She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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