My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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