Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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