Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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