You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
