Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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