i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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