batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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