did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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