I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
