I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
