Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
