That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think a kid would responsible me up
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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