I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
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