it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
