So drunk its hurt
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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