Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
