Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
