based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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