**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
