So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
my poor anus
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
