Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
