My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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