I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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