I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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