you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
